"Well, as we've seen, I guess that three in a relationship spelled trouble for Emma from her point of view," Trisha started, clarifying the resolution the previous guests achieved by coming on the show, "but what if the third person in your relationship wasn't actually of this world?"
I was immediately excited. Mork from Ork was coming up after the break! The camera panned across the audience and the stage, coming to rest on Billy No Mates who had managed to lose two girlfriends during the previous fifteen minutes. Even he could not help but look excited.
The ad break that followed was a great one: it started with one about leaving a will to prevent your loved ones fighting over your every last penny, moving on to Barry Scott introducing Cillit Bang! Universal Degreaser, before finishing with a medley of adverts for loans and the National Accident Helpline. (That's who is watching Trisha, obviously: those undergoing a recouperative period following an event for which they could make a no-win, no-fee claim, not the idle.)
What a let down. It wasn't Mork, it was a mad woman. Trisha gets the detail from Haley, a girl who looks anywhere between thirteen and forty years-old depending on the lighting. For two months after moving into a new house, everytime the mother of the house went to sleep, someone woke her up by touching her. She suspects her children are doing this (not nuts), but when this happens while she is alone in the house, she realises that it was in fact ghosts all along (nuts).
Throughout this whole exchange, nothing is mentioned about the fact that the girl is appearing on television with earings the design of which was clearly based on a scrotum.
Haley is asked if she has any corroborating evidence, and announces that one time, someone walked past the window, but then did not knock on the door.
Having established that madness is hereditory, we are treated to a video re-enactment. Trisha announces that it "has to be seen to be believed." This is the case, but I am not sure we are referring to the same specific elements.
"The first strange happenning was in here, on this sofa. I was a bit tired [drunk] so I thought I'd have a little kip. I went to sleep and I could feel someone tugging at my shirt collar. I looked down and I could feel the draught from it and my shirt was still moving."
"I often leave the cats in this room and when I come back, someone has let them out. I'm not sure what is causing it but a medium told me it could have something to do with what's in my back garden. This is the grave: born 1806 [dramatic pause] died 1863 [dramatic pause] and is haunting me in 2005."
There is much studio conflict as a result of the footage, though not about whether this woman sees ghosts or not, but whether the ghosts that she sees are good or evil. Faced with such a serious issue, Trisha calls in the big guns. Becky is sixteen, and knows "jast wo' yoor gaan fwoo."
Becky tripped up on the stairs on the way onto the stage, and looks like she smokes rocks.
Becky informs us that her mum "has driven out loads of poltergeists, and doesn't seem to be scared of it or anything." She continues, "It doesn't really do nothing to her, but it makes her really ill, I think, yeah."
Trisha seems suprised that both daughters believe this unquestioningly. Becky came right back, "Well, yeah, at first I was really sceptic, but then I had an experience: I was at the pub and I could hear some singing and then it stopped and I went to get my sister to show her but then there was nothing there."
I did not get to see the teen who sees the dead. My video recorder switched itself off. I went to get my brother to show him, but then it did nothing. If anyone who was on the show is reading this, get in touch. I want to know how it ends.
